I am currently having a series of miniature breakdowns, mainly about the IVF. These 'episodes' come on very quickly, like a punch to the gut and then play on my mind until I distract myself thoroughly enough. I generally distract myself by either eating something, making something or getting angry about something. Two of three of those strategies are not healthy, but they are healthier than totally losing my mind. The mini breakdowns generally involve the many different (some more realistic than others) scenarios and outcomes of the IVF consultation appointment next week.
Scenario #1: This is my best case scenario (but I really don't know how likely it is to be the correct one). We will go to the appointment where they will discuss the different treatment options and tell us which is the best protocol for us (what dosage of medication, etc) and what we can expect from the next steps. We will have some blood tests done (HIV, Hepatitis etc) and, when those come back clear, we will then be starting treatment imminently
Scenario #2: This would be frustrating as it represents more delays, but is not the worst my brain can come up with. At this appointment, we will discuss the treatment options, the clinic will then make us attend one of their monthly information evenings (likely to push us back to April), ask us to see one of their counselling team and then look to begin treatment in a few months.
Scenario #3: My nightmare. We go to the clinic and they tell us they can't help us and we will never have a child.
There are also other scenarios very similar to the three above, but with slight variations in detail. One involves a Scenario #3 with the added comment from the Dr to husband "you should get a fertile wife next time". Thank you brain.
Additional to this, there are stories of miracle women who, having been told they will never conceive naturally, on being referred for IVF become so relaxed while waiting for their treatment that they actually, amazingly fall pregnant. Obviously this is possible, but not very likely. However, being the pathetic optimist I am, having been told that I had a lovely sized follicle possibly ready to ovulate at the scan appointment I thought: wow, I could be one of those miracle women! However... I am now on cycle day 56, it's two weeks since the scan so if I had ovulated I would either be starting a period within the next couple of days or I'd get a positive pregnancy test. Now, being the experienced TTCer (Trying To Concieve) I have plenty of early detection tests, which claim to give a positive result four days before your period is due. Negative test yesterday. But obviously I'm symptom watching and luckily for me and all the other anxious TTCers out there the symptoms of early pregnancy and the syptoms of PMT are basically the same thing. So... I will try not to do a test until at least Saturday.
There is also a ton of other stuff happening at the moment which is causing tension/stress/worry for us. There's a lovely virus going around so hubby has a lovely bout of flu-like symptoms. There's a promotion which I think my other half should apply for at work but he's uncertain so has left the application to the last minute - now he's ill... so it's even more difficult to motivate him. My dad and my husband are also working on our bathroom, which they wanted to have finished two weeks ago but it got more complicated than they were expecting so it's still ongoing. Then there's complicated family stuff.
The issue really, is that I have very limited control over ANY of this. I don't like not being in control.
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